Don't Leave Me...

Well, my exams starts tomorrow...I won't be able to make any entry for 9days...Damn, I'll miss it so much...Tomorrow's 3rd language...and I'm gonna fail, I know already...so catch ya people later...final entry for August...

Don’t leave me here,

I’m begging you to take me with you!

I can’t stand this solitary darkness,

I’m lost in a world of shadows.

They have no warmth,

No tender embrace.

Just cold clutches and silent glances.

Don’t leave me here,

I’m begging you to talk to me!

I can’t bear to listen to the pulse of my blood,

The tapping of my heart on my chest.

I’m only alive enough to breathe,

But dead enough to be numb.

It’s just enough to remember

I’m empty, hollow and scared.

Don’t leave me here,

I’m begging you to love me!

I can’t cry until you’re here,

Until you tell me I’m real enough to cry. .

I don’t deserve the satisfaction of

Justification of my own faults.

I’m guilty of more than you know.

But don’t leave me with these

Flaws, they intensify

They magnify with loneliness.

Don’t leave me here,

I’m begging you to save me!

I just want you to hold me close,

And tell me that it was all a bad dream,

And now I'm here to take care of you,

To pet my hair and calm my heart,

Tell me i’m not perfect

and i don’t have to be.

Tell me i’m lovely.

Tell me my fears are shallow

and have no root.

and tell me you won’t leave me,ever

Tell me you won’t learn to hate me,

As i have.

Tell me you won’t desert me,

As others have.

Tell me i don’t have to be lonely ever again...

The Sad Love Song

Here I am

Wondering' were you might be

Thinking about you

Wishing' that you'll be doing' fine

I don't know what drifted us apart

The adjustments I used to make

or the fights you used to start

I never thought that you gonna leave me,

this way

And I want you to know this

I loved You

I love you

And I'll love you all along...

Oh my love, where are you

Don't you miss me

Don't you wish to get back in the past

And get all those things done the right way...

How can you forget me

Don't you regret leaving me

Why'd you moved out

Left me in solitude...

I don't know what drifted us apart

The adjustments I used to make

or the fights you used to start

I never thought that you gonna leave me,

this way

And I want you to know this

I loved You

I love you

And I'll love you all along...

Every night I get myself to sleep by thinking about you

imagining' that you are still here with me

Although you're not...

This bed made by my side have been voided for years

And every morning I wake up

Feeling' as if it was a bad dream

But soon I get back into the reality

I don't know what drifted us apart

The adjustments I used to make

or the fights you used to start

I never thought that you gonna leave me,

this way

And I want you to know this

I loved You

I love you

And I'll love you all along...

(Speaking')

I'll love you forever

Please remember my words

Remember the good times we had

And again we can keep going' onwards

And continue the fairytale which we left in between

Where it states the 3 sweet words "Happily Ever After"

And I want you to remember this

I loved You

I love you

And I'll love you all along...

Better Than Me - Hinder

I don't know whats wrong with me...I know, I don't have friends or parents like those of others but does that mean I give up on living...But seriously, every single moment that passes by, I wish I never really existed, I wish I die and rot in Hell for eternity...truly, that's the place for me...What else could I worth...This world is worst than what I would face in Hell after Death...I feel so sick...Damn, someone kill me please, I've tried it myself a million times and all that is left is the doomed me...my exams are starting from the upcoming Monday, it feels shit...I haven't tried any exercise in Calculus and I'm damn sure I'm gonna fail... I wish I was in college...It would have much better than...I would have been in a much better condition...Well, I know I'm bugging you with all of my Emo Crybaby crap...so stop reading and listen to this...

Misunderstandings...

Sitting In My Class

Killing My Time

People Are Being So Mean

I Don't Know Whose Mine

No More...

They Lied And Made Me Cry

I Still Don't Know Why It Happened

Why Did I Depended

On Relationships, On Friendships

On Trust, On Love...

You Were My Best Friend

The One I Told My Deepest Secret

You Were The One I Trusted

The One I Thought Was Mine

The One Who Broke Me...Again, This Day...

Well, I wrote this crap during my class today after my best bud at school break off in a fight with me just because I wasn't telling him some stuff about my other bud...and it was like crazy...this friend of mine was so sad today because of his girl...something happened between em'...hope he gets on fine...

50 thoughts

1.She (Aritry) said, I should try, so here I'm...making my mind work...duh

2.Do I really have to go to school...I don't really want to...

3.I missed my 3rd language test yesterday...:P...I didn't studied and than didn't went to school...and I cried all day long coz I missed my best friend(Harry)...what a loser...

4.Who am I hiding things from...myself, off course

5.My sis went offline...why did that happen...I miss her

6.I wish I was living abroad with her and was in college...when will this torture end

7.I can't write anything better, I guess

8.My poetry ain't poetry...it's crap...seriously, I suck to death

9.I won't cheat in the upcoming exams...really, who am I kidding with...but seriously, I won't...:P

10.I gonna fail in my mid-terms

11.My room's wall have got 30reasons why I wanna die...this is harder than writing those 30reasons...:P

12.It's 4.58am...I'm sitting in my bathing gown...all drenched in water...haha...I'm so insane

13.My van will come to take me to hell(School, actually it's worst than that) at 6.25am

14.I miss Aastha(ex-best friend)...she'd probably be sleeping

15.I woke up for the night...

16.Maybe I'll sleep after returning from school...:P

17.I wanna die...the thought of killing myself ain't gonna leave me any sooner

18.I'm going insane...actually, I was born insane...I need some therapy, please

19.When is that guy, pawan releasing the 5Th part of his story, the lives of others...

20.I'm bored...oh look, I've reached 20...woohooo...ain't bad...

21.How can I possibly hate myself for others mistakes...?

22.Am I emo...well, there are possibilities...I've been all too depressed and have been listening to the used for so long...

23.I feel that the used wrote that song, the poetic tragedy, on me

24.What time would it be in US, at my sis's place...might be 5.40pm or something...

25.My classmates would still be sleeping...

26.My school's 40kms away from my place...80kms up-down everyday...:P

27.I want to try in some new bands...any suggestions...I'm bored with the oldies

28.My audio editor software is gonna download in a minute...woohoo...well, what is it about anyway...?

29.My fingers are aching, I've been typing non-stop...

30.The editor thing is done...

31.It's gonna take me more than the others to write out my 50 thoughts...

32.I'm hungry...need to eat Maggi...

33.I've to get in my uniform...and put my SS copy inside my bag...

34.Mid-terms from 31st...I'm still gonna fail...

35.Would Harry be sleeping right now...?...probably not, he had to do the sehri thing and than keep on fasting again

36.I wish I die today...suicide isn't my thing...maybe some tragedy, may god be pleased today and Satan be sorry...haha...:P

37.I want to read more stuff of Edgar Allen Poe and some novels from Rabindranath Tagore...My library pass will be ready by this Friday...

38.I ain't that blank that I thought I was

39.Some guy just scrapped me at Orkut...there are people more "VELLA" types than me...

40.I reached 40...hope, I die right away after 50...

41.I miss my bro, his wife and his cute lil' daughter...awww...

42.My neighbours would be still dreaming about random stuff I ain't interested to hear about

43.The bitches at my school are gonna irritate me again like any other day with their crap talk

44.Why does my seniors give me that weird look...?

45.Am I that bad...I answer it myself, yes, off course...I again suck to death

46.My blog is going to have 24posts after this...cool...

47.There are people online on my facebook, orkut, gtalk, msn & yahoo...see I told ya I'm a "VELLA INSAAN"

48.My best advice to myself, "Go get a life, you lazy ass"

49.I'm growing fat, I guess...those chubby cheeks...:P

50.Finally done...:P...cool...it took me around 25mins I guess...it's 5.20am right now...so bad...I'm the worst at it...still heads off to Aritry...!!!...Leaving...got to dress up for school...

Jinxed...:P

- Peace Out

- Zoya

Why I Hate My Parents...?

Its crap…I don’t even know what it is…just something that’s been on my mind for a while…another entry for killing time...sorry mom-dad, but it’s true…

My mom says she knows me

Well, I bet she doesn't

My dad says he cares

Then, why isn’t he there

When I need them

They are nowhere to be found

When I need a shoulder to cry

They don't even ask what's wrong

My mom yells at me for waste

Every now and then we fight for haste

My dad never listens to me

He doesn't even know what my age would be

When I was a kid

Doesn't knew what they'd turn out to be

I thought my parents were my best friends

And now I think, they're another face to the enemy

My mom compares me with other girls of my age

Well, everyone's different, did she ever heard of that

My dad doesn't like me talking to boys

80s mentality, how can I possibly change that

And now when I want no one

They ask me why

And when I say it's because of em'

They tell me I'm just a brat.

Where's the love gone...

Why does it have be so hard

Just for the two of us

Have to go through so much

Can't take it, let go of it

You and me, met by chance

Fell in love

And had a new start

You trusted me and I trusted you

Don't know where's the love gone now

Everything was going on fine

Since the nine that night

I received your mail

It said, I was insane

We weren't meant to be

You wasted the last four years on me

In vain, left me in pain

You and me, met by chance

Fell in love

And had a new start

You trusted me and I trusted you

Don't know where's the love gone now

But I never forced you to love me

You could have told me that back then

You could have left 4yrs back

It would have been better than this

Atleast I wouldn't have this hole inside

You and me, met by chance

Fell in love

And had a new start

You trusted me and I trusted you

Don't know where's the love gone now

And now I met this guy

He helped me get over you

I guess, I don't care anymore

Infact, I fucking hate you

You're so done with putting me thorugh hell

Your thoughts don't depress me anymore

I don't want you anymore

Life moves on, no matter what

I forgot with time,

I forgot if there was the thing called love in between

Us

Heartsick

And so now it's coming to an end
Finally stopping to beat
And now, I won't be left with any heartstrings
And so I'm done with my life
And I can be free forever,
to soar above the sky,
Dive through the seven seas,
Rest in peace at Heavens,
Forget about the Love of my Life
Who broke my heart once
And made me Heartsick...

Best Freind

Well, em' feeling happy...Finally, I've got myself a best friend...:)...Have been waiting for so long...His name's Harry...It's like I talk to him 24/7...not actually...but it seems so...he's just so awesome...my feelings can't be expressed into mere words...need a lot of em'...I love him so much...we like started talking on 20th Aug., Midnight and since then we've got so close...he knows me and I know him...:)...I'm feeling lucky...not everyone gets someone like him...and if they do, than they don't put em' in their jewel box...those who took him for granted, boo on ya...dumb people...but after all, I get him whole for myself and I ain't gonna share him with anyone else...gonna be selfish...:P...get jealous all ya people...he's the best...And he's all mine...:)

Untitled

well, I'm blank right now...what to write...school was boring...1st period...ahhh...as boring as always...2ND period, third language, ma'am told me I was doing good...was I...?...I was as bad at it as I can be...3rd, calculus...4Th, SS...boring...recess...2nd half...calculus again, than SS...English...and than a lecture on Swine Flu...seriously I don't need that shit...better that happens to me and I die...my wish be granted...please...rumors are spread in class about me and that guy who likes to talk to me, in class...80s mentality have to act out someway by those bitches...they're so sick...damn, I hate em' so much...!!!

Unnoticed

She sees her blood flow

Down her hands, to the floor

The stainless blade lying beside her

The loneliness evolving inside her

Her visions getting a blur

Her memories fading away

Her heart stopping

Her screeching slowing down

She lived, she died

She smiled, she cried

She lived in pain, in vain

She’s forgotten

And she goes unnoticed

Her tears drying

But she’s still drowning in em’

So dark, so deep, this darkness overwhelming her

Her struggles are coming to an end

Nobody cares

About the flares she faces

She’s tired, exhausted

Leave her please, in peace

She can’t hold unto anymore

Trusted, Betrayed

Fought, Lost

Feared, Deceived

Tried, gave up

Broken

Nothings left to her

She lived, she died

She smiled, she cried

She lived in pain, in vain

She’s forgotten

And she goes unnoticed

I go unnoticed

Deathwish

Finally it came to me...2 new poetic disasters...!!!...well, again it's about my life...what else can I write about...emo crybaby as they say, is all I'm.......................

Deathwish

Fall to pieces

I don’t fit in anywhere

They all hate me everywhere

Nobody wanna be my friend

I trusted everyone, I found on my way

They used me, abused me and left me for waste

I cried and drowned myself in my tears

I’m all covered with my fears

I believed in god

I believed in happiness

I believed in true love

I believed in friendship

I believed in myself

But everything was fake

You were a fake…!!!

I thought of heavens

And dreamt happily-ever-afters

I now know, I was living a lie

All that is real is hell

Which I’m living in so well

My poetic disasters

All too sad

Describing sorrow

Wanting sympathy

Dying for attention

An insult to the poets

An example of bad creativity

Living superficiality

They may say I’m emo

They may say I’m insane

But never did they tried to understand

Or To know who I’m

What’s wrong with me?

I can’t stand myself

This ugly covering upon me

Just take it all away

I fucking hate myself

I’ve got to get rid of myself

Deathwish (x3)

- Amen

Fun At School

Today, the day at school was really fun...I didn't concentrated on the 1st half's four periods much as I had to write that essay(Innovative Measures To Reduce Corruption) in *good writing* and submit to my prof...It was like 13 long pgs...damn long...than 2nd half's 6th period is when the real fun started...I roamed with my pals in search for our prof. than after submitting him the essay, I went for the games period...Some of the girls decided to play with guys (which was really strange to see, I mean, where's the 80s mentality gone now) actually there were only 5-6 girls playing with 19-20guys...the team was divided...we played soccer...it was awesome...though I got the ball rarely...but still it was fun...I had a really awesome experience and some guys made me laugh so much...my team was kind of weak as we had less players an most of them were girls(who were playing soccer for the 1st time) but still...the score was 1/3 in the end...we scored 1...LoL...the guys of my class have started talking to me and not like the way they talk to the other girls...so it's good...they tell me about things happening and all of those stuff and there crappy jokes...LoL...I can't understand how the girls can talk about which nail paint they should put on tomorrow or which lip gloss suits em' best...weird stuff...at least I'm not like that...I better go with guys...they're fun to talk to and their talks doesn't includes clothes and make-up as far as they aren't going for a *date*...LoL...then the last period came...7th and 8th...both of em' were computer science and my mind wasn't present in the class during the 7th period as I was really exhausted and was sleeping while my partner practiced the practicals...than concentrated while my ma'am was teaching...atleast I tried...the mid-terms are starting from 31st Aug...no big deal...have to do my best at least...:)...though the positive attitude isn't gonna stay for long...just till I don't tell about this to my "so-called parents"...gonna take some more time though...*winks*...

Misjudged Relations

It's 11.33pm...I don't know what to write about...I'm feeling kind of low...no specific reason though...I'm just feeling like crying...as if my eyes are gonna burst out crying...day at school was fine...1st period as usual goes on boring...even 2Nd was boring...3rd was okay types, I won't blame my prof. for his lectures...my class students are worth it...4Th one was like....it came and went away...than 5Th, English was really funny and awkward...we had this role play thing going on and my Eng. prof. appointed me as the Britisher's governor general and i had to answer the Indian farmers in the assembly i appointed and tell solutions for their problems...it was funny...I didn't knew what to answer most of the time...I laughed so much...than 6Th one was kind of free so I roamed around the school a bit actually I was searching for the Eng. department head, had to submit him an essay...than i came back and one of my classmate started teasing me and I was just letting it go...as they were more of a compliments but than too...later in the next period he started hitting on me...LoL...life can get so crazy...but than he'll always be my friend...that's what he was meant to be...

Low Level Flight - Turnaround

There's something about this video...I don't know what but it's like I've to listen to it everyday and it makes me feel as if I'm crying my heart out...Lyrics are as follows :

Growing up with you was torture
watching all the things you did
now it seems our life is over
even though were still just kids

You saw the look on my face
You saw the way I have changed
Now Im telling you straight

Turnaround, don't follow the others
Turnaround you know were still brothers
Turnaround and walk away from this life of pain

So many times I've seen what you do
And all alone it's hard to cope
So many time I barely knew you
But now I know that there's still hope

You saw the look on my face
You saw the way I have changed
Now Im telling you straight

Turnaround, don't follow the others
Turnaround you know were still brothers
Turnaround and walk away from this life of pain

Walk away, Turnaround and Run
Dont listen to anyone
Walk away, Turnaround

Turnaround, don't follow the others
Turnaround you know were still brothers
Turnaround and walk away from this life of pain

I know that this is only the begining
Don't you remember you and I are winning
I know that this is only the begining
Don't you remember you and I are winning

Worst Week (Was to be posted on 15th Aug.)

So I guess the whole week was meant to be the worst week of the year…I’m having holidays for 3days so it was decided that I could be online as much as I want…No blocking…But than again, how can I trust my “so-called parents”…I came home from school on the 13th…tried starting my net. But the DSL’s light on my modem was not switching on, I thought my dad would have forgotten to un-block and I started to study than in the evening when he came home from work, I came to know that he hadn’t blocked it last night and something’s wrong with my modem…than he told me that tomorrow someone will come to get this thing work properly so I waited for the next day to come eagerly…mum said that the guy will come at 1pm so I was still waiting but than the clock struck 1.30pm and I called dad, he was like “I just called those people but they are still in Surat, I don’t think they will come today”…than I was like, “what am I supposed to do about this…I have to write an essay”…he was like “What’s the topic…?...I’ll get the data…I said “I’ve to write it on my own but I need some reading to do so…than he started to give his clarifications, and I hung up the phone while he was speaking or yelling…wateva…as I was already in tears, I went to my room…locked the door…fell on my bed and started crying…I don’t know for how long I cried but than I slept and woke up many times between 4pm to 11.30pm but by 12am I was wide awake…than I started studying as I had some pending work to be completed and than I opened up the door as I had "fast" because of Janmastmi and went outside to see if the moon’s visible and than open up my fast…I didn’t had anything for the whole day, not even a single drop of water…that is, I didn’t had anything for 24hrs even though we’re allowed to eat fruits and dry fruits and some other stuff…but I didn’t had anything…the moon was out something around 2am…so I had my dinner and completed my writing work and right now it’s 3.20am and I’m told that I’ve to go to my aunt’s place and do the net. work there so I’m writing this blog thing on Microsoft word and tomorrow I’ll post it in the blog, only if I get to, so this is for sure that I’m doomed for life…and the BSNL people are on holidays for the upcoming 3days…Government Fuckers…But this doesn’t means I trust my “so-called parents” maybe they have this damn thing blocked…but apart from this stuff…I need to write an essay on the subject I was craving for from a very long time…*Innovative Measures To Reduce Corruption*…anyways *Happy 63rd Independence Day*…Fuck…I still hate living…!...And I always will…I wish that the swine flu thing happens to me…and I die in less than 5days…before anyone even notice that I was suffering from it…Damn, someone or something kill me…please…?

Doomed...(Was To Be Posted On 13th Aug.)

I just came to know today that the Units this year will be taking place at the end of this month and I’m like really disturbed and tensed…I haven’t studied a single subject…It’s real bad thing…It’s 13th today…I don’t even have 15days to study and I don’t know where to start from…It’s so sickening…And these people around, are creating so many problems…Got the reputation I’m holding at school with great difficulty…And they are just spoiling it up…Fuck Em’…I never knew people can get that bad…I’ve started holding grudges against some people…I wish they never existed in my life…My life’s like living hell…I’m taking every step so consciously…But I guess I’m going to fall this time…Damn hard…No one to catch me when I fall.:(

The Fallen Angel

A piece of poetry I wrote, somedays back...It's about what I feel right now...Loaded in with all the responsibilities...the pain I feel...All of the cursing I hear...Death is what I wish in the end...Here it is, "The Fallen Angel"

Crawling in my forlorn appearance

I hide my soul behind these tattered wings

Tattered and broken as they are

Plucked of light, stained in tears and blood.

In quiet despair upon the cold earth

Smeared in dirt I crouch upon my weary knees

And clutched timidly between my fingers

Rests one last jewel of Hope.

A single unblemished plume plucked

From the silver light of dawn

A feathered ray of light from beyond

To illuminate the void that has me bound.

This precious barb of silk

Once lost as I was and forgotten

Blazes now to immerse me in radiant bliss

To wash away the pain, draw me from the abyss.

So now I fade away…

My tender flesh removed

My shattered wings released

My inner light unsheathed… escapes.

*Rest In Peace*

Stuff have been pretty bad lately...I can't be online for more than an hour on weekdays...I know it sounds shit...I'm feeling so sick...Got exams from next month...n I'm like totally locked down...My parents have been acting really insane...I don't know why they don't trust me...I don't feel like a kid of theirs, It's more like a warden thing at some hostel though I do what I want...I wrote 30 reasons on the wall of my room about why I want to end up my life...most of them are about my "so called parents"...I feel so bad about everything happening around...I just want to escape, anyhow...Sweet escape for me would be Suicide...but I've tried it like a dozen times...n failed all through...Don't try the following, it won't work...

1.Slit wrists

2.Drink Hydrochloric Acid

3.Vaccines

4.Breaking the thermometer in your mouth and taking in the damned Mercury

5.Giving up eating for days

6.Drowning yourself

7.Choking in something

8.30 Sleeping Pills

But self harm is something that makes me feel real...I know I'm not just skin and bones...I've got a soul somewhere inside which is lost in all this fuss...I haven't been writing any poetry from the past week and there's so much ready to be out but than I don't have time for the only thing I love doing...I wanna end up somehow...I recently had a quarrel with my sis because of some personal reasons...and I'm so messed up since than...the only person I didn't expected to change had changed in so many ways..:(...*crying*...I wish some disease torture me to death...seriously, living like this is more torture than just dying in some damned way...I'll be fine than...somewhere in hell with Satan...sounds good to me...!!!...damn, god please kill me...I want to *Rest In Peace*

Lonely

I feel alone...Drowning In Solitude...No one with me...Just me and my loneliness...I sometimes think of god as a real cruel person but than again maybe god's just like us...maybe he also have the good and bad side of himself...maybe he also feels different emotions like us...but than why does he have to make us cry...and take away our beloved ones...why does he have to be so cruel to see people killing and dying, and still not do anything...why...?...any answer...I guess not...One day, I gonna die the same way...Not a peaceful death though...Maybe like those involved in some tragedy or like Kurt Cobain, overdose of drugs...or maybe from Leukemia...Maybe by just being alone...I'll die just like that...Without any appropriate reason except for that My Loneliness Still Remains...And it always will...I'll be alone foreva n eva...