Die again

This blade lay beside me

the blood pouring down my sleeves

my decorated wrists

with cuts and bruises

wounds left open

of the dreams broken

metal healing my mind

the noises infecting

I cry, I die, why do I have to lie

I loved you, with all that I've had

didn't it matter,

didn't it caused any pain when you left me

and here I stay, in this palatial room

with no doors or windows

I'm locked, eternity damned

I scream, I carve your name in blood

I bleed in your name everyday

does it even matter, do you even care

you loved me, or was it a lie too

and as you told me you'd be with me

but why did u have to leave

leave me here to rot to death

death doesn't comes so easy

I'll have to wait, wait till I'm hurt enough to be numb

and die again.

In pace requiescat

Here I sit

With all those around me

The hatred that conquers me

The vengeance that forsook me

I screamed into horror of hearing those words you spoke

Those words worked as daggers

And pierced right through me

Deep wounds they leave, with time they'll heal

And as it rains upon these

I see my blood wash off

And I try to realize, realize what it have done to me

It killed me, stabbed hard, and I died in grief

But peace, I desire

How to attain it?

How to stop the screeching sounds that run in my head?

And die with peace. Achieve liberation, and end this suffering

And today as they celebrate my death, with the funeral and the black theme

And so on my grave you leave flowers, those rotten ones with the broken love...

Love Is A Sin...

okay...So I haven't written much during the past days...I didn't felt like blogging at all...But here I'm all over again with this poem I wrote...

Love is a sin, I believe,

And now I'm paying for it.

Sweet pain is all it costs

And I'm used to it.

You didn't hurt me, love

You killed me indeed.

My insides started to burn to ashes,

My outside turned too cold.

I'm no more a human,

I died way back.

Faith was all I did,

On the wrong person though.

Who turned out to be my foe,

And stabbed me hard.

You made me realize,

What a hideous soul I have.

After so many sins,

It stills fall for the same mistake again.

But maybe this was the last time,

I'm suffocated under the words of sorrow.

Known as the three magic words,

They are magical indeed.

They give you all the happiness in the world,

And even take it all back and make you suffer,

Till you pass away...

The Love Theory

After all the things I've seen...I concluded love can mean many things...actually...LoL...just scroll down...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1.Happily-Ever-Afters, well I've haven't seen many people who actually had a happily lived love life...everyone went through certain traumas with their love life...and after reading an watching all the great love stories, I assume everyone dies a bitter death in the end...:|

2.Its really a waste to trust someone...it hurts when they break it...which they usually do...!
3.Sometimes the love is just one-sided...the other person just fakes it all through, that they love you...but its all just fake...it hurts pretty bad...

4.Don't expect love in return...you ain't gonna get any actually...u see, I've heard that the key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be and when they're not, we cry...

5.In most of the cases, one of the lover is utterly, purely n deeply in love with the other one, but on the other hand...the other person just doesn't care...not at all...just gives it all away...

6.Sometimes it hurts to express your feelings about someone...but the things left unsaid becomes unheard...its really confusing...express ur feelings or suppress them...?

7.We shouldn't wait for someone to return...they ain't gonna look back at us...never...they moved on...always does!

8.Love is a sin...its what makes u feel pain...people just act like they care while it won't even matter to them if u die...its a selfish world...everyone lives for their own happiness's sake...

9.Losing is all I see...people love someone...they loose them and because they gave it all away for the one they loved, they don't have anything left to them...

10.I used to think that we only love one person at a time...actually in the whole lifetime...but I've seen that people love more than a person at the same time...too many actually...first love, well, it doesn't exists...

11.At times, people just get addicted to someone...u know, attraction, we usually get attracted to new people we meet...crush, u know...and make huge mistakes with our life!

12.People go on the outer-looks of the person, and not on the inner-self of the person...thats the worst part actually...

13.It happens, that we love someone we can not have, it is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest...*weird*

14.I've heard people say that, "With love, you should go ahead and take the risk of getting hurt... because love is an amazing feeling.”...how can it possibly be an amazing feeling when all it does is hurt...!

15.Its all really weird, why do we hurt those we love, it shouldn't go on this way, when it comes to me, I've seen it all, and I think I should start living a bleak life...that would be pretty good on my part, ^^ n its a suggestion to u people too, falling in love is suicide...!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My definition to Love:
It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jim Morrison once said, "People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Death Sonata

I try so hard to avoid

These sour thoughts of mine

The bitterness that’s in me

The want of vengeance that speaks

The cries of my tainted soul

Never heard or believed

Lay in the corner of this abyss

I bleed myself to demise

Give Up Upon Living...

Nobody cares...Seriously, No One does...no one even pays a single minute to read this blog of mine...well, why would they...all have got so much random work to do...I stand no where in this World...The Net. World as you call it and on the other hand, I don't stand anywhere even in the real World...Every single person Hates me...I know I suck...but that doesn't mean that you can make me feel bad about it 24*7...I've got feelings too...which are truly hurt by every attempt you people make to make me fall down...please, I'm begging for mercy...please don't hurt me no more...I just can't take it any longer...Kill Me If You Can...be truly pleased...

P.S. *Is Tired Of This Crap, Wants To Give Up Upon Living...*

I hate it here...:(...I wanna get back...

So I know I haven't been blogging much these days...well, that's coz I didn't had any thing to write about...I guess, I'm loosing my writing skills...seriously, I'm not able to write a single meaningful thing nowadays...everyday goes on the same...it feels I'm dead already...its like I go to school at 6.30am in the morning, school sucks a bigtime now (will get back to it later)...return back at home at something around 2.45pm...skip my meal...take a shower...turn on my PC...and sit online for as long as the clock doesn't struck to 12am...and yeah in between my mom do yells at me about different stuff...I never really care to pay attention...its kind of a personal entertainment show for her...and ya I haven't slept for 3days...before these 3days I took sleeping pills to put me to sleep...I'm an INSOMNIAC...finally, proved that I'm dead...I cry every night...I'm reading Anne Frank's Diary...its really awesome...but I know she'll die in the end and it makes me weep...:(

Yesterday was a really bad day...actually Wednesdays are supposed to be good, but this one was really very bad...one of my senior(who was one of my very good friend till yesteraday) is angry with me due to some reason I don't really know...I said sorry to her but it didn't mattered to her at all...I used to have meals in the recess with her but when I went to her class yesterday, she ignored me and kept on talking to some other senior...I cried infront of her...but she didn't cared...and laughed instead with the person in the room..................

Later on, my so-called friends were gossiping about me...I faked a smile so well...but than I was hurt...and I knew it deep inside that it would happen...I cried for 2periods...continuosly...and when I went to school today, I didn't talked to anyone in my school except for a friend of mine who is my senior and the teachers, offcourse...

I really hate it here...I want to escape somehow...escape this life of sorrow, agony, pain, betrayal, depression, torture, anguish, torment, excruciation.......................................blah.blah.blah

XoX - Life Sucks...!!!

Untitled

So as my exams ended on the last 8th of August, I got the news that Half yearly's are starting from the 1st of October, how worse can the situations get...I hate it here, damn lot...I don't have time to write anything new...so here's a verse I wrote some time back...

wake up from the nightmare
succubus taints your dreams
melodies of frantic whispers
escape your severed esteem
Just live through the malice
The envy of her ego
When she lives in a beautiful
World of surrender
Wake up from the nightmare
Make it exciting and dress to kill
Remember the nightmare
that Haunts you still...

A Scene At The Temple (01-09-09)

I stood there, with all those people

Praying for their welfare

What’s wrong with society ?

All they think about is money

I started to feel dizzy

My mind went out of control

I ran outside

Shared a bench with a laborer

Well, here it’s how it goes

The thing that caught my mind

She was scared to go inside

Scared to face all those people with dirty looks

Scared to step in the temple and pray with the rich

They say, everyone’s equal to God

So why is this inequality happening

She sat there, without a word

And kept on praying

Till it all went on in there

She had her child close to her heart

Who wanted to go inside

But she didn’t wanted it to face

That cruel world either

They kept sitting there till it was over

My so-called friends came from the inside

Giving me a weird look

I know what it was about

But that lady is still a human

Why don’t they treat her equally ?

And I feel so sorry, for all those people

Who differentiate between us and those innocents

What wrong did they do ?

What harm did they do to us ?

Why do we treat them unequally…?

We are the rich but also the poor, from the inside…

Take Me Away...

So depressed

So stressed

Living a soul less life

All that is left, is skin and bones

My mistakes

I regret

You were always a stranger

Shouldn't have let you in

You lied

I believed

Faking your identity

All that times you thought I’d fell for it, I truly did

Eternal damnation, is what I get

After all the times I trusted in you

Euphoria is no where to be seen

Dysphoria is overwhelming me

Dreamed of heaven

Have to go through hell

The wrongs you did

Why am I paying for them?

Death wish

Locked in scheol

Lucifer, forgive me

And take me away with you…

I'm just a kid...

I’m just a kid

Is all I can say

For you don’t treat me like one

And it’s as if I’m your age

Don’t tell me that stuff

I don’t wanna hear it

I’ve got my own problems

I can’t handle yours

I’m no mature

Or a responsible adult or something

I’m just a kid

Who never got to enjoy her childhood

What’s so funny about those dirty clothes…

Uncompleted homework…broken pencils and stuff…

I guess, I’ll never know

For I didn’t got to enjoy those talks with mom

And those rides with dad

Or those meaningless quarrels with my sister

I never had any of them…

I’m just a kid

Who was never loved

I came in this world for waste

Tell me if you find me irritating

I’ll just end up some way

It’s not a new thing for me

To try killing myself

And to reborn again

I’ve been through it all

You just make me face it all over again

I’m just a kid

And my life is all about

Unfulfilled dreams…break-ups…tears…scars…

What else does this World offers…?

Somewhere in the dark

I wanna see a new light

A light which comes with happiness

And will always stay…

For I’m just a kid

Who is scared…scared of the dark…

Emotionless

Do you know what it feels like...

When there is no one you can turn to

Your world's breaking down

And you just can't do anything

To make it go the right way

Well, that's what I'm feeling right now

My mom hates me...I hate her too

She made me hate her...can't help the fact

How she acts so much weird sometimes

And just act so much insane

At these moments like this one

I close my door

Turn on the radio

Cry my insides out

Ask myself why

How did I get here ?

She ain't even my mother

No one's mine

I ain't got any friends

I ain't got anyone

Just me going on continuously

My world keeps on breaking down

I want to give up but I just can't

There's no end to it

I just have to take it all in...face the pain...

And go on and on

I don't know how much longer I can hold on

I just hope it won't be long for my end to come

I want to escape...end this pain...end my life

End this loneliness...

I want the good lord to feel pleased today…

And Satan feel sorry...

I won't mind rotting in Hell for eternity

All I want is an escape

Escape from this World...This living hell...

And here comes the worst part

I don't even know why my dad changed so much

He used to be my hero

And all that's left of him to be is being a villain

A really bad one...

My sis whom I love the most is far off in some other World

Which knows no cry of pain...living without emotions...

No one gives a damn to care about the another

I'm not even sure if she remembers me the way I remember her

All that I know is that she is far off and she won't be here to see my end...

It seems good in a way...If she still loves me than it won't be a good sight

For her to watch at least...

Those who say, they belong to me...

Well, they are far away in some distant corner of the World

Neither can I reach them nor can they reach me...

Talking and wishing is all that we can do

No one would be there to save me from my suffocating, painful, death

I gonna bleed myself to death

Gonna slit my wrists deeper...see the blood flow

And enjoy the pleasure the sight of it gives

I gonna learn to live in pain

Show them I don't care

How much worse can it get...?

And so here I'm waiting for their final decision

Writing another piece of crap

Shoving this on their face

I don't care is all that I've got to say

Go on do what you want...make my insides die and live emotionless...

Don't Leave Me...

Well, my exams starts tomorrow...I won't be able to make any entry for 9days...Damn, I'll miss it so much...Tomorrow's 3rd language...and I'm gonna fail, I know already...so catch ya people later...final entry for August...

Don’t leave me here,

I’m begging you to take me with you!

I can’t stand this solitary darkness,

I’m lost in a world of shadows.

They have no warmth,

No tender embrace.

Just cold clutches and silent glances.

Don’t leave me here,

I’m begging you to talk to me!

I can’t bear to listen to the pulse of my blood,

The tapping of my heart on my chest.

I’m only alive enough to breathe,

But dead enough to be numb.

It’s just enough to remember

I’m empty, hollow and scared.

Don’t leave me here,

I’m begging you to love me!

I can’t cry until you’re here,

Until you tell me I’m real enough to cry. .

I don’t deserve the satisfaction of

Justification of my own faults.

I’m guilty of more than you know.

But don’t leave me with these

Flaws, they intensify

They magnify with loneliness.

Don’t leave me here,

I’m begging you to save me!

I just want you to hold me close,

And tell me that it was all a bad dream,

And now I'm here to take care of you,

To pet my hair and calm my heart,

Tell me i’m not perfect

and i don’t have to be.

Tell me i’m lovely.

Tell me my fears are shallow

and have no root.

and tell me you won’t leave me,ever

Tell me you won’t learn to hate me,

As i have.

Tell me you won’t desert me,

As others have.

Tell me i don’t have to be lonely ever again...

The Sad Love Song

Here I am

Wondering' were you might be

Thinking about you

Wishing' that you'll be doing' fine

I don't know what drifted us apart

The adjustments I used to make

or the fights you used to start

I never thought that you gonna leave me,

this way

And I want you to know this

I loved You

I love you

And I'll love you all along...

Oh my love, where are you

Don't you miss me

Don't you wish to get back in the past

And get all those things done the right way...

How can you forget me

Don't you regret leaving me

Why'd you moved out

Left me in solitude...

I don't know what drifted us apart

The adjustments I used to make

or the fights you used to start

I never thought that you gonna leave me,

this way

And I want you to know this

I loved You

I love you

And I'll love you all along...

Every night I get myself to sleep by thinking about you

imagining' that you are still here with me

Although you're not...

This bed made by my side have been voided for years

And every morning I wake up

Feeling' as if it was a bad dream

But soon I get back into the reality

I don't know what drifted us apart

The adjustments I used to make

or the fights you used to start

I never thought that you gonna leave me,

this way

And I want you to know this

I loved You

I love you

And I'll love you all along...

(Speaking')

I'll love you forever

Please remember my words

Remember the good times we had

And again we can keep going' onwards

And continue the fairytale which we left in between

Where it states the 3 sweet words "Happily Ever After"

And I want you to remember this

I loved You

I love you

And I'll love you all along...

Better Than Me - Hinder

I don't know whats wrong with me...I know, I don't have friends or parents like those of others but does that mean I give up on living...But seriously, every single moment that passes by, I wish I never really existed, I wish I die and rot in Hell for eternity...truly, that's the place for me...What else could I worth...This world is worst than what I would face in Hell after Death...I feel so sick...Damn, someone kill me please, I've tried it myself a million times and all that is left is the doomed me...my exams are starting from the upcoming Monday, it feels shit...I haven't tried any exercise in Calculus and I'm damn sure I'm gonna fail... I wish I was in college...It would have much better than...I would have been in a much better condition...Well, I know I'm bugging you with all of my Emo Crybaby crap...so stop reading and listen to this...

Misunderstandings...

Sitting In My Class

Killing My Time

People Are Being So Mean

I Don't Know Whose Mine

No More...

They Lied And Made Me Cry

I Still Don't Know Why It Happened

Why Did I Depended

On Relationships, On Friendships

On Trust, On Love...

You Were My Best Friend

The One I Told My Deepest Secret

You Were The One I Trusted

The One I Thought Was Mine

The One Who Broke Me...Again, This Day...

Well, I wrote this crap during my class today after my best bud at school break off in a fight with me just because I wasn't telling him some stuff about my other bud...and it was like crazy...this friend of mine was so sad today because of his girl...something happened between em'...hope he gets on fine...

50 thoughts

1.She (Aritry) said, I should try, so here I'm...making my mind work...duh

2.Do I really have to go to school...I don't really want to...

3.I missed my 3rd language test yesterday...:P...I didn't studied and than didn't went to school...and I cried all day long coz I missed my best friend(Harry)...what a loser...

4.Who am I hiding things from...myself, off course

5.My sis went offline...why did that happen...I miss her

6.I wish I was living abroad with her and was in college...when will this torture end

7.I can't write anything better, I guess

8.My poetry ain't poetry...it's crap...seriously, I suck to death

9.I won't cheat in the upcoming exams...really, who am I kidding with...but seriously, I won't...:P

10.I gonna fail in my mid-terms

11.My room's wall have got 30reasons why I wanna die...this is harder than writing those 30reasons...:P

12.It's 4.58am...I'm sitting in my bathing gown...all drenched in water...haha...I'm so insane

13.My van will come to take me to hell(School, actually it's worst than that) at 6.25am

14.I miss Aastha(ex-best friend)...she'd probably be sleeping

15.I woke up for the night...

16.Maybe I'll sleep after returning from school...:P

17.I wanna die...the thought of killing myself ain't gonna leave me any sooner

18.I'm going insane...actually, I was born insane...I need some therapy, please

19.When is that guy, pawan releasing the 5Th part of his story, the lives of others...

20.I'm bored...oh look, I've reached 20...woohooo...ain't bad...

21.How can I possibly hate myself for others mistakes...?

22.Am I emo...well, there are possibilities...I've been all too depressed and have been listening to the used for so long...

23.I feel that the used wrote that song, the poetic tragedy, on me

24.What time would it be in US, at my sis's place...might be 5.40pm or something...

25.My classmates would still be sleeping...

26.My school's 40kms away from my place...80kms up-down everyday...:P

27.I want to try in some new bands...any suggestions...I'm bored with the oldies

28.My audio editor software is gonna download in a minute...woohoo...well, what is it about anyway...?

29.My fingers are aching, I've been typing non-stop...

30.The editor thing is done...

31.It's gonna take me more than the others to write out my 50 thoughts...

32.I'm hungry...need to eat Maggi...

33.I've to get in my uniform...and put my SS copy inside my bag...

34.Mid-terms from 31st...I'm still gonna fail...

35.Would Harry be sleeping right now...?...probably not, he had to do the sehri thing and than keep on fasting again

36.I wish I die today...suicide isn't my thing...maybe some tragedy, may god be pleased today and Satan be sorry...haha...:P

37.I want to read more stuff of Edgar Allen Poe and some novels from Rabindranath Tagore...My library pass will be ready by this Friday...

38.I ain't that blank that I thought I was

39.Some guy just scrapped me at Orkut...there are people more "VELLA" types than me...

40.I reached 40...hope, I die right away after 50...

41.I miss my bro, his wife and his cute lil' daughter...awww...

42.My neighbours would be still dreaming about random stuff I ain't interested to hear about

43.The bitches at my school are gonna irritate me again like any other day with their crap talk

44.Why does my seniors give me that weird look...?

45.Am I that bad...I answer it myself, yes, off course...I again suck to death

46.My blog is going to have 24posts after this...cool...

47.There are people online on my facebook, orkut, gtalk, msn & yahoo...see I told ya I'm a "VELLA INSAAN"

48.My best advice to myself, "Go get a life, you lazy ass"

49.I'm growing fat, I guess...those chubby cheeks...:P

50.Finally done...:P...cool...it took me around 25mins I guess...it's 5.20am right now...so bad...I'm the worst at it...still heads off to Aritry...!!!...Leaving...got to dress up for school...

Jinxed...:P

- Peace Out

- Zoya

Why I Hate My Parents...?

Its crap…I don’t even know what it is…just something that’s been on my mind for a while…another entry for killing time...sorry mom-dad, but it’s true…

My mom says she knows me

Well, I bet she doesn't

My dad says he cares

Then, why isn’t he there

When I need them

They are nowhere to be found

When I need a shoulder to cry

They don't even ask what's wrong

My mom yells at me for waste

Every now and then we fight for haste

My dad never listens to me

He doesn't even know what my age would be

When I was a kid

Doesn't knew what they'd turn out to be

I thought my parents were my best friends

And now I think, they're another face to the enemy

My mom compares me with other girls of my age

Well, everyone's different, did she ever heard of that

My dad doesn't like me talking to boys

80s mentality, how can I possibly change that

And now when I want no one

They ask me why

And when I say it's because of em'

They tell me I'm just a brat.